You're My Past, But Not My Future
by Frozen-Void
Summary: .:Sequel to Pain Redefined:. Castle struggles with his feelings for what was and what is. When a figure from Castle's past suddenly returns something about Castle that no one expected is revealed.
1. Prologue

**You're My Past, But Not My Future**

**Prologue**

Castle sat at his desk rocking in his chair. He was spinning a pen in his fingers and starring at the computer screen. A head shot of a gruff looking man named Darren Stevemen was there. It was their number one suspect on the case him and the others were working on. When the elevator opened Castle looked up and saw Esposito and Ryan bringing in their suspect. He stood up, grabbed the file folder and headed to Interrogation Room One.

"A one armed cop, really? What is becoming of this city?" Darren said as Castle walked in. Castle took a breath and put a smile on his face.

"That's detective," he said as he sat down. It wasn't the first time a suspect has started off the interrogation mentioning his handicap.

Even the city has had its say. First it was all about a writer becoming a detective, then about how he sailed through training and finally the arm. To an extent Castle understood where they were coming from but then it started to get out of hand. He couldn't even go to the corner shop without someone badgering him down with questions on how he does his job with one arm or his opinion on what people think of him and the fact that he got the job in the first place. He wasn't to fond of all the attention like he used to be. He just wanted to be able to get coffee without someone being up his ass asking stupid questions.

All in all it wasn't about the people, it was about the arm. After two years it was a topic he would rather not talk about, a topic he DOESN'T have to talk about. Yet the citizens of New York had refused him to go even a day without bringing it up.

The first few months were hard for him. It was also hard on a lot of fragile things in his place.

Luckily he had Kate by his side.

The interrogation didn't last long. Darren ended up confessing that he beat his wife to death when he found out she was cheating on him.

As Castle walked back to his desk he saw someone there standing around. It wasn't until the man turned around that Castle felt like the past just punched him in the face.

"Jared?"

Said man turned around and gave a small, unsure smile to Castle.

"Hi Richard," he said in a low voice. Castle could only stare into Jared's bright, blue eyes. It took a minute for him to catch himself.

"What are you doing here?" Castle asked as he walked around Jared to his desk and placed his folder down.

"I moved back into the city a few days ago. I heard what happened to you and wanted to see you."

Castle looked up at Jared. "We can't talk here Jared."

"Richard," Jared shifted in his stance, "I really want to talk."

"I'm engaged," Castle said.

Jared's glance fell to his feet and Castle can see he was fighting with himself to hold his tongue.

"I just want to talk," he said.

"Jared –"

"Please!...Please, Richard."

Castle looked into Jared's eyes and saw the desperation in them. He opened his mouth to say something but Ryan cut him off.

"Castle, we've got a case."

"Okay," he replied then turned to Jared. "14th Street Union Square, 7 o'clock."

Jared nodded as Castle grabbed his coat and followed Ryan and Esposito into the elevator.

"Who was that?" Ryan asked.

"Just...an old friend."

The two men could tell he didn't want to talk about it at the moment and left it at that.

Right now, they had a crime scene to attend to.

**If I had to have someone play Jared in the show it would be Bradley Cooper.**


	2. Chapter 1

**You're My Past, But Not My Future**

**Chapter 1**

"Shouldn't you be resting?" Castle said as he walked up behind Beckett when him and the boys arrived at the crime scene. Beckett spun around to face him.

"It's just a stuffy nose, Castle," she said, though one can hear the congestion in her voice.

"Yeah, well, don't be sneezing all over the crime scene," he teased.

"Shut up."

"Help please?" he asked as he held up a glove.

"After the comment you just made?" Beckett grabbed the glove and helped Castle get it on, allowing it to snap and smiling at the frown he gave her.

They went over to where the body lay. It was of a young boy with light brown hair. Castle walked around and didn't even need to be told the cause of death, it was hard to miss the multiple gun shot wounds.

"Sean Novick, 25 years old," Lanie said as she knelt down next to Castle.

"I assume you know the cause of death?"

"GSW."

Beckett crossed her arms. "Think they over did it don't you?"

Castle stood up and looked around the room. Something colorful on table caught his eye and he walked over to it and picked it up. His eyes scanned over it and he couldn't help but let a small smile grace his face as memories he's tried to bury deep began to resurface.

"Well, I think we know why the killer used up his bullets," Ryan said as he came up beside Castle.

"A Gay-Straight Alliance club?" Esposito said as he came up on Castle's other side. "You think it was a hate crime?"

Castle shrugged, "It's highly possible, every now and then when I went we would find the hall flooded or vandalized, but no one was ever hurt."

It was out of his mouth before he could even register what he said.

"You were part of a Gay-Straight Alliance club?" Ryan asked.

"Ah, yeah, I had a friend, he had it rough, I thought you know, could help support him and...stuff," Castle spoke fast. It wasn't a _complete_ lie. But it wasn't the truth either.

Castle sat on a bench and watched as a squirrel curiously and cautiously approached him.

"Sorry," Castle said with a shrug, "No peanuts today." When the squirrel realized he had nothing to give he scampered off into a bush. Castle sighed and looked up towards the sky.

"Tea?" said a soft voice. Castle looked up saw Jared standing there holding out a cup to him. "That's if you still like green tea..."

"Yeah," Castle said as he took the cup and Jared sat down next to him. They sat in silence.

"You left," Castle said suddenly.

"You got married and had a baby," Jared responded.

"You left after I told you I was getting a divorce."

"And when I came back you were married again."

"You expected me to blindly wait for you?"

"I expected you to be true to yourself."

"I was!"

"And now you're engaged again!"

"Because I love her!"

"You said you loved me!"

Castle's heart was racing, but he felt his anger wanning. "I did," he said in a quiet voice as he took a sip of his tea. However in his head he heard _"I do."_

"How do I know I wasn't just curiosity? You've only loved me, the rest were all women."

Castle wanted to yell. Wanted to scream 'how can you think that', but he just didn't. Instead he turned to Jared and spoke calmly.

"You were the only man I loved. Before and after you I never met any man and fell for him like I did you. And out of all the girlfriends I had, you were my longest relationship. Dating and marriage."

Jared took steady breaths and turned to Castle. "Then why are you engaged again? I mean, ever think maybe you're not bisexual?"

"Jared, even if I wasn't engaged, I hope you didn't expect to waltz back into my life and get back together."

Jared rolled his eyes, "I'm not that stupid Rick."

Castle couldn't help but smile.

"So," Jared said, "How's Alexis?"

Castle smiled, "She's not the little baby in the crib you're think about. She's a young women now. She's attending Oxford."

"Wow, Oxford."

"Yeah, it was...hard to let her go."

"Aw, cute."

"Shut up," Castle said, "I'd smack you but my one hand is occupied."

The smile on Jared's face faltered a little at that. Just as he was about to say something there was a flash of light and then a loud crack of thunder. Then it was a downpour.

The two men laughed as they finally made it into Jared's place, soaked to the bone.

"Good thing you didn't live far," Castle said as he looked around the apartment still filled with boxes.

"Remember the last time we got stuck in rain like that?" Jared said as he made his way into his apartment. "Don't mind wetting the floor, it's okay."

"Yeah, we just continued our stroll through the park."

"And then we were sick for two weeks."

Castle laughed. "Yeah, yeah and we spent most of those days on the couch with tomato soup and those oyster cracker things watching reruns of Seinfeld!"

"Yeah, good times, good times." Jared said and turned around. Castle was probably closer then he intended to be but Jared couldn't bring himself to move away. Before either knew it they were moving closer together and soon enough their lips were locked. Jared ran a hand through Castle's wet hair as Castle's hand was on the back of his neck. Then Castle pulled away.

"Shit!" he breathed.

"Rick, I'm sorry!" Jared was panicked.

"No, no, I," Castle was running his hand through his hair, where moments before Jared was. God, how he missed it already.

"Shit, I'm sorry, I have to go," he said as he bolted out the door into the rain ignoring whatever Jared was saying.

When the door slammed shut leaving Jared alone in his apartment he kicked a nearby box.

"Fuck," he muttered.

When Castle got home he was beyond wet, if that was possible. He flung his keys on the counter and headed straight to the bathroom. He had never been more happy that Beckett said she didn't want to live with him until they got married. Due to something about percentages and more relationship fail when the couple lives together before marriage or something, he wasn't listening at the time, which she later yelled at him for. He was just glad to come home to an empty apartment and not have to put up an act for anyone.

Castle let the hot water roll of his body after he turned the shower off. His body convulsed when a cool breeze came out of no where and he reached for a towel. He looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes went to his left shoulder. He felt nothing. Which he was glad. Feeling the phantom limb was disturbing and even painful. He shook his head, he didn't like when he did this, just stare at something that will never come back. He used to stare at the burn scars Esposito had all the time. He couldn't help but feel responsible for them. It wasn't until Esposito pulled him to the side, roughly, and had a long heart-to-heart talk with him. He hated to admit it, but sometimes that whole ordeal would just come rushing back to him. He remembers what it was like, to be taken advantaged of, to be powerless, wanting it all to end, begging for death to just save him from this agony.

He shook his head free of the thought and sighed as he took some Excedrin, he can feel a headache coming. He dried himself off and threw on his nightwear. When he was done he reached for his toothbrush but stopped. He licked his lips. He could still taste him. Still taste Jared. Tasted like...

Chocolate.

Castle assumed he must have had hot chocolate.

Castle twirled the toothbrush in his hand and sighed as he grabbed the toothpaste with the same hand.

Castle lay in bed awake cursing himself. He hated this. He knew Jared didn't come back for this. He would never. After they broke up he never tried to win Castle back when he was in a relationship, Castle sometimes wished he would, but Jared wasn't that kind of guy. Sure he got angry when Castle was getting married. Some fruit flew through the air, but it wasn't because he was jealous, okay maybe a little, but it was because he truly felt Castle was making a mistake. Now that Castle looks back, maybe he should have listened to him. But this right now. What just happened was his fault. To see Jared after those years, despite what happened between them, neither could stay mad at the other for long. But to be with him, reliving some of the best times in his life with someone he thought he'd spend the rest of it with, he wanted to feel what he used to feel.

That feeling of being alive. That spark whenever they kissed passionately. At that moment in his apartment he craved it, needed it. Even if he could hear the voice screaming in the back of his head to stop, to think of Kate. It was one of those things that even though you know it's wrong you just can't help but do it anyway.

And now he was dealing with the aftereffect, like a really bad hangover, just ten times worse.

Castle awoke to someone hammering on his door. He groaned and grabbed his phone to check the time only to see he had over fifty missed calls and it was past 2pm.

"Holy shit!" he said as he jumped out of his bed when he heard what sounded like his door being broken down and the worried cries of his friends. He nearly toppled over Beckett as he made his way downstairs.

"Castle!" she shouted.

"Jesus what-" he saw that his door was actually broken down and Ryan and Esposito standing with their guns in their hands. "What the hell is going on?" he asked.

Beckett smacked his arm.

"Ow!"

"We've been calling you for the past six hours trying to find out where the hell you were!"

"I was here sleeping! Apparently I overslept a little."

Beckett snorted. "'A little'?"

Castle rolled his eyes, "Okay, okay I see why you were worried. Didn't come into work, didn't answer cell, I get it, but did you have to break my door down?"

Beckett sighed and looked at Castle closely.

"What's wrong, Rick?" she asked.

This caught Castle a bit off guard and he stumbled on his words. He looked at Ryan and Esposito who looked at him both with concern on their faces.

"You broke down my door?"

Beckett made a face.

"It's nothing, okay."

"The last time you slept the day away was when Alexis left for college, so obviously somethings bugging you," Ryan said.

"It's nothing, alright?" Castle knew it was harsher then he intended but lately he noticed he hasn't be able to control his speech and actions.

"Rick..."

"Just," He began to back up the stairs. "I can't deal with this right now okay? Please just leave."

"...Rick," Beckett began to climb the stairs but Castle held out his hand to stop her.

"Please just...leave."

Castle sat at his desk watching the bubbles that were his screen saver bounce around. The Sean Novick case was wrapped up quickly, Esposito was right about the hate crime. Just a homophobic getting the wrong idea thinking Sean was hitting on him.

"_So you deal with it by killing him? Piece of shit," _Castle thought as he tossed a pen on his desk and it bounced onto the floor. He let out an aggravated sigh. When he turned to pick it up, Beckett was standing there holding it. He took the pen from her and placed it on his desk, she took a seat, much like Castle used to by her desk.

"Want to tell me what's up?" she asked.

He didn't look at her.

"Is it because of you're friend that came by yesterday?"

Now Castle looked at her.

"Ryan and Esposito told me an old friend stopped by and you seemed kind of...ruffled up by it."

Castle turned away and fiddled with the pen. "I was surprised, yeah."

Beckett waited for him to continued but he didn't.

"Who is he?"

Castle stopped playing with the pen, his eyes glancing over to his computer screen that's now gone black. "An old friend."

"Obviously this old friend had an impact in your life to be making you like...this now."

"Kate I don't want to talk about it."

"Why?"

"You wouldn't understand."

Would she? Castle didn't know how she would react. He knew Kate was a strong women and he knew he should tell her about what happened, but he can't bring himself to. He couldn't even think of what to say, 'yeah, by the way I'm bisexual and my ex-boyfriend's back and I made out with him last night.' That would be a cheerful conversation.

"Why won't you talk to me?" Castle can see from the corner of his eye that she was twirling her engagement ring.

"You sound better."

Beckett sighed and stood up. "Yeah, cold's finally gone." She began to walk away but stopped and turned back to him. "I'm here if you ever want to talk."

"I'm sorry Kate," he said. She nodded, turned around and left.

Castle couldn't believe he even remembered where Jared lived. So, now here he was after just blowing Kate off, hammering on Jared's door. Jared opened up with a frantic look on his face but calmed a bit when he saw Castle.

"Rick? Uh, come in," he said. He stepped aside and Castle walked into the apartment. Castle turned to Jared.

"I'm sorry about last night, I shouldn't have done that."

Jared shrugged. "We're both at fault, I shouldn't have...embraced it either. I don't want to come between you and your fiancée."

Castle laughed. "I don't know anymore."

Jared gave him a confused look.

"I feel like my head is exploding. That kiss was a fucking canon or something that went off in my head and now my thoughts are racing and I don't know what to do because my feelings for you are fucking coming alive again when I've tried so hard to forget you and now I'm engaged and Kate and I just can't -"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Richard slow down. Please listen to me," Jared said as he placed his hands on Castle's shoulders to calm him down. "I didn't come here to come between you and...Kate..." Castle nodded. "What happened last night...I'm not going to deny I wish we could go back but Rick, please, just take a breather and really think about this."

"I want to be with you."

"You didn't breath."

"And I want to be with Kate."

"Richard, why don't you sit down and I'm going to get you some water, okay?" He lead the panicking Castle to his couch and went into the kitchen. Castle felt like he was dreaming. Everything right now didn't feel real and he wished he could just wake up and go to work like it was a normal day.

"Here," Jared handed him a glass.

Castle took it gratefully. The cool water felt good on his surprisingly raw throat. Jared took a seat next to him.

"Shit, Rick I am so sorry, I never meant for anything like this to happen."

He shook his head. "No, no, this is my fault I shouldn't have..." Castle turned to Jared and looked him in the eyes. "I never stopped loving you even after all these years."

Jared let out a small laugh. "You know, I never had another boyfriend after you cause each time I hit on a guy it felt like I was cheating on you."

A small smile crept onto Castle's face, as did on Jared's.

"But things are so different now, we can't just go back to what we were. You have Kate now Rick. I'm sure you love her very much."

"I do."

"Then say those words on your wedding day," Jared said as he placed a hand on Castle's thigh.

"Will you do that for me Rick?"

"Are you actually telling me to marry a girl? Last two times that happened you threw an apple at me one time and then an avocado."

"Yeah, well I was right, neither girl was right for you! But Kate's different isn't she?"

"Definitely."

Jared just smiled at him.

"Will things turn out okay?"

Jared shrugged with a smile. "Even after all these years my answer won't change to that question."

Castle laughed and at the same time they said...

"How the fuck am I suppose to know?"


End file.
